In The End, There Is Only The Beginning

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My yoga mat sits in the corner, collecting dust, and possibly a few cobwebs. I sit here looking at it, feeling a tightness in my chest, a tightness that is mirrored throughout my whole body. I am once more inhabiting a body that is inflamed, heavier than it should be, worn down by stress and pregnancy and a whole host of insecurities that have finally caught up to me over the past two years.

My blog has not been the only thing I have taken a hiatus from. You see, ever since my dearest Grandmama passed away, nearly two years ago now, my yoga practice, which was once so strong and lovely, has splintered and fallen apart. Throw in the fact that I walked away from an abusive relationship in the middle of my grief over my Grandmother, and I had a whole heck of a lot on my plate to deal with. I tried to keep up with my practice the best I could, but yoga has a tendency to bring incredibly powerful emotions to the fore, and at that point in my life, I just could not handle it. I stepped off of my mat, and away from all the pain.

The past two years hasn’t all been pain. I have met and married my best friend and love of my life, who supports and encourages me in all that I do, and we had a beautiful baby girl ten months ago. She is our pride and joy, and keeps us constantly on the go. My partner has stepped up and become an incredible father to my other two girls, and we have formed an amazingly strong family unit. He works hard for the girls and I, never complaining, and I appreciate all that he does for us, far more than I can ever express. He is the most beautiful person I have ever known, and I am blessed that he has chosen me to share this life with.

I am planning on starting a small online business this summer, selling assorted pagan crafts, crystals, tarot decks, etc, and as the business becomes more established, I may expand and add more merchandise. My husband is very supportive, and also likes to brainstorm ideas with me as to products I can create or bring into the shop once we get off of the ground. It’s wonderful to have someone who is so supportive, but also a little baffling, as well; after many years in an abusive, belittling relationship, where I was torn down and criticized instead of being praised and built up, this is unfamiliar territory for me. It’s wonderful, a healing balm for the soul, but still a little uncomfortable. Sometimes I’m not sure that I’ll ever get used to it.

There has definitely been stress, however. Particularly these past few months. My husband lost his job a couple of months back due to a personal dispute with his boss; he has since found another, one that he likes a great deal more. We also recently lost our home, and though we have settled in another, one that actually seems better suited to our family, all the chaos caused me to fall into some unhealthy stress management habits again. I have picked up smoking once more, something I swore I would never do, and I have anxiety attacks again, which I have not had since shortly after I left my abusive relationship. And yoga has become all but non-existant in my home.

Add to that the fact that I have not had much of a practice in the past couple of years, throw in a pregnancy and stress, and my body is hurting. Old injuries that haven’t made a peep in years are flaring back up with a vengeance, my joints are stiff and aching all of the time, I am seeing a resurgence in my migraine headaches, to the point where I have had to go back on my medications for them, something I am hugely opposed to, and I am struggling against a whole host of depression and mood issues.

This is the time when I need my practice the most. And I am terrified to step onto my mat, for after two years of no practice, I am rusty. Hell, I’m more than just rusty. I’m not even sure if I can do half of the basic poses anymore, let alone any of the more complicated ones I worked so hard for months to achieve. Wild Thing, Crane, Half-Handstand…..all of my favorites…..all of them gone now….my body so stiff and uncompromising and in such pain…..

It brings me to tears. How could I have let my practice, myself, go for so long? No matter what was going on in my life, how did I let myself turn from the one thing that brought me so much joy and freedom? How could I close my heart so much to the very thing I love with my entire being, the one thing that makes me feel most alive?

So, here I am, essentially right back at the beginning again. Just as when I first stepped onto a yoga mat six years ago – stiff, overweight, unflexible, insecure, and afraid – I am here again. In the very same place. Or maybe not exactly the same place. Maybe a little more humbled. Maybe a little more insecure. And definitely a little more afraid. For there are many layers of pain and vulnerability to be stripped away, years of abuse and sadness I need to finish healing from, loss I have not completely overcome, and the only place I know how to work through all of that is on my mat. My mat is my safe harbor, my sanctuary; a place where there is no judgement or condescension, at least not from the outside world. From myself? There is some, but that is from old scars that need to be worked through, and I know that with time, those will be silenced as I grow to love and accept myself again, for exactly who and what I am, in this skin, and in this moment.

I know that this time, when I step onto my mat, that there will be no turning back. It is time to heal, in body, mind, and spirit. It is time to move forward and grow, spiritually and emotionally. It is time to embrace this new phase of my life with open arms, instead of fighting it, kicking and screaming, like I always do. I know it’s time, I can feel it, all the way through my body to my very center….

And I am absolutely terrified.

I Have Made My Decision

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After much back and forth indecision over the past several weeks, I have decided to keep this blog site. I have been going through it over the last couple of days and clearing out old posts that I feel no longer hold any relevance, whether old posts pertaining to some of my past life and relationships, some old daily devotionals I was once doing by Judith Hanson Lasater that I lost track of long ago, and whatever else I just didn’t feel were necessary. The rest I left intact for those readers still hanging in there with me, and also for myself, for while looking back at some of my posts over the past couple of years, I was able to see some of the pivotal changes in my life, the areas where I made enormous spiritual and personal growth, and I am hoping that may spur me to move forward again in my present life.

At one point, I had thought to delete the site, and start again from the ground up, but that just didn’t feel quite right, either. I am my harshest critic by far, but some of the articles on here are good stuff, and I hesitate to just let them go, simply because my life and circumstances have changed so drastically from where I was back then. So I have done the next best thing; I have changed the layout of the site to one that is a little more personal and homey, less of a teacher-ish, magaziney type, something I didn’t realize was bothering me before. I lost a great deal of love and passion for my practice, as well as the spiritual base of it, and found myself focusing more on the body mechanics and teachings of the poses. Perhaps the design change of the blog will help in redirecting me where I need to go.

Essentially, I want to see how this blog site evolves with me. My normal pattern is to start completely over after major life changes and upheavals, so this is a new thing for me. I am going to let the site stay as is, and as I am drawn to it, I’ll see how it grows and changes, and inevitably, what becomes of this little project that I originally started almost 2 years ago.

As for my readers, wherever you guys are, I hope you’re still out there. I know that I have been away for quite a long time, and I am sure that I have lost some of you due to that very fact. I have touched briefly on some of my hiatus in my previous blog, but I will go more into depth on that at a later time. It is very heavy subject matter, and some of it is stuff that I am still working through and healing from. It will be good for me to talk about it here – writing has always been incredibly therapeutic for me – but it will have to be done in baby steps. And only when I am ready.

I admit, I have missed this site. I had had such high hopes for this project, even though I never really knew exactly where I wanted to go with it. I just knew that writing and yoga were two huge passions of mine, and combining them could only result in something fantastic. Hopefully, that still holds true.

I hope that all is well with all of my readers out there, and that you are all faring well on your own personal journeys. I look forward to reconnecting with all of you more in the very near future. May you all be blessed with love, laughter, and blessings. Om shanti shanti.

It Has Been….Well….A Very Long Time.

Summer_Mirage_by_DemonMathiel

 

Hello again.

I have been gone on a very long blogging hiatus. To be honest, I have no idea how much I am going to blog here. At least, for the time being. I am undertaking a new blogging project, one that I feel is more important for me to pursue at the moment, but I am hesitant to let this site go. This, my first blog site, still has pieces of my heart throughout it, and I learned and grew tremendously due to this place. So…..until I know exactly where my new writing endeavor is taking me, I may be putting this blog on hold. Not forgotten…..just waiting.

I have been through a great deal of personal changes and challenges since the last time I posted here. Which was, I believe, in May or June of last year. I am going to share with you some of the things I have been through, not for sympathy or attention, but simply because it’s good for me to talk about it all.

As many of you who have been with me from the beginning know, I lost my dear Grandmama in March of last year. A devastating blow, as she was more like a mother to me than a grandmother. I sank into a pit of despair for many months, and although I began to return to my normal routine (to a degree) fairly quickly, the motions were more mechanical than heartfelt. And my yoga practice splintered and fell apart.

Shortly after my Grandmama passed away, I worked up the courage to leave my partner. To everyone on the outside, it looked as though we had the perfect relationship. He seemed to dote on me, and to acquaintances and his business clients, he bragged of my accomplishments and spoke very highly of me. Behind closed doors, however……he was angry, critical, jealous, possessive, controlling, amoral, and abusive. Emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. He had no qualms about forcing me to do things I did not want to do, he was forever calling me names and putting me and my goals and dreams down, and he was in a constant battle with himself, his addictions, and his demons, with the end result that they were always raining down on me. It was a horrible, miserable life, and I felt alone. Alienated from everyone I knew and loved. Which was exactly how he wanted me to feel.

I was afraid to leave, which is one of the reasons I stayed for such a long time. I had been so brow-beaten and insecure for so long that I felt as though I would never find better than what I had. The death of my Grandmother, however, left me more broken than anything else could, and somewhere amidst the ashes of my loneliness and grief, a small light of hope and love for myself began to shine through. And I realized that living a life of pain and fear and illusion was no life at all. No life for me, no life for my children. And the things I had allowed myself to do, the person I had allowed myself to somehow become, was not the kind of person I wanted my children to see  and learn from.

And so, with bated breath and fear of the unknown in  my heart, I went out on a limb, and walked away. Not only from him, but from my hometown, as well. I wanted a completely fresh start.

It was the best thing I could ever have done for myself, and for my children.

We have all grown happier and healthier and stronger in our love for each other. The girls are more secure with life now, and the stability that we now have. I have become healthier in and with myself, and slowly but surely, my insecurities are growing smaller and smaller. I have more confidence and strength, and I am now opening myself up to pursuing dreams I had long since forgotten. Life is still life, with its ups and downs, challenges and lessons, but I am able to face them with more courage than before. And as long as I have my children, my family, with me, I know that I can face anything.

That family has expanded over this past year and a half, as well. A cherished friend who supported and loved me through the severance of my abusive relationship turned out to be the very soulmate, lover, and friend I have always wanted and needed; eight months ago, we welcomed a beautiful little girl into this world, and two months ago, we married. This man is my world, my entire universe, my very best friend. He is kind and thoughtful, loving and loyal, and he is so incredibly wonderful to both the children and myself. He dotes on me and loves me, simply for me, and listens and supports all of my dreams and hopes. He supports me when I am struggling and weak, and he makes me laugh as no one else ever has. He is truly the love of my life, and I am more grateful than I can ever say for him. I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing partner beside me, sharing this precious gift of life with me.

He and I have been through a great deal, as well. Our most recent adventure has left us and the children living in a hotel. Temporarily. Suffice to say that we trusted the wrong people, people who doubled as landlord and boss, and now we have lost both. Our home, and my husband’s job. All because these people were not honorable and could not handle a couple who not only were honorable, but were willing to stand up for those morals and beliefs, and the safety and wellfare of their family.

Although this is a bit of a setback in our lives, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not so bad. We loved our home, but we are definitely relieved to be away from the people whom we were renting it from. The loss of my husband’s job was a tough one, but again, complete severance from these particular people was the best thing we could have done for our family. The right thing. And isn’t it amazing, when you do the right things, how things just seem to happen in your favor? My husband went from no job to another, much better job in a matter of days, and we are looking to move into another home the first of the year that is better suited to our family’s needs. A few weeks in a hotel isn’t such a bad thing, for in all honesty, I am just grateful we have a roof over our heads in the middle of winter.

And as long as we are together, what else truly matters?

Come the first of the year, after we move, there are a ton of changes and plans to put into action. I regret to say that my yoga practice has suffered this past year and a half, and I will now be starting from the ground up again. Between having another kiddo, and chasing around three girls, my exercise regime has also fallen apart, and I have some weight loss goals to set and work towards now. (Again.) My husband and I are talking about opening up a small online business (the planning and naming of it are all still in the works, and will be for awhile, so no details yet!), and I would still love to really do something with my writing. I haven’t exactly decided what yet, but I trust I’ll have all the answers when the time is right.

As for this blog…..I have no real plans for it yet. I do know that if and when I really come back to it, I don’t want it to be quite as structured and rigid as it was becoming before. And there were moments where it was way too time-consuming, and it pulled me away from my children too much. I love to write, but I really love my kiddos and being a stay-at-home mother, so I want to be able to find a healthy balance between the two.

And truthfully…..it’s a little hard for me to talk too much about yoga at the moment when I am stiff, unflexible, and a little on the chunky side again. (LOL) I have not regularly practiced yoga for some time, given that life intruded a bit, and I will not be able to do so again until we get moved and settled. However, I don’t mind chronicling my journey again once I start practicing…..maybe it will help me to stay motivated, or help to encourage others out there who are on their own weight loss plan and better health regime path.

I will keep everyone posted on my journey as much as I can, both life-wise and yogi-wise, and I hope that my readers will bear with me, and hang in there during this transitional period in my life. I wish you all luck on your own personal journeys, and I hope to come back to this site again soon. Much love to all of you! Namaste!

(P.S. I gave the blog a face-lift. Do you like it?) :)

 

 

Life and Grief and Weathering The Storms

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It’s been so long since I’ve really written anything other than painful ramblings in my own personal journal. It feels a little strange, like maybe I’m a bit rusty, but comforting all the same. Writing has always been one of my truly great loves, and I have missed it more even than I realized.

I had planned on coming back to the blogging world several weeks ago. Really, I had. I was feeling refreshed, and motivated, and excited again. About life. About myself, and the changes I was going through. About everything, in fact. But then…life and grief apparently had other plans for me, as so often happens.

My life has been one storm after another for many months now. I often find myself wondering what I did to deserve all this chaos, all the pain I have been feeling, but I know in my heart that it is just the nature of life. Things happen that we can neither predict nor explain, but oftentimes there are hidden lessons in the painful experiences; things to teach us, open up our hearts and minds, and help shape us into stronger, more compassionate, and spiritual beings. It doesn’t make the experiences any less painful, really, but when you learn to view the storms of life in this manner, you can often find a small measure of comfort amidst the….well….uncomfortable.

For the past few months, I have been on a rollercoaster ride of massive proportions. Many changes and transitions have come at me, hard and fast, and there have been moments where I thought that I was on the verge of losing my mind. And I am not joking. The upheavals in my life have been quite bittersweet, for even with the pain has come a measure of beauty that I never would have expected. And while some doors in my life have run their course and closed, locked up tight forever, many new ones have opened up for me, answers to silent prayers and wishes that I have been uttering to myself for many a year.

And yet, a storm is still a storm, and until it clears, it is often hard to see the beautiful things that await you when the clouds and rain clear away. Everyone wants that damn rainbow, but few hang in there until the storm is over to truly see it.

I am finding my rainbow. My peace. The life that I have always dreamed of. But the road getting there has not been an easy one.

My grief over losing my Grandmother has been a sneaky thing these past few months. Nearly four months have passed since she left this world, and at one point, I really thought I had worked through the worst of the pain, and anger, and guilt.

Oh, how wrong I was.

I realize now that I have not even begun to scrape the tip of the iceburg with my grief. And truth be told, that scares the hell out of me. The pain I feel in my heart, in my soul, when I allow myself to really feel it, is so deep and overwhelming and aching, that it leaves me shaky and weak and heart-sick. Everything feels out of balance, and there is always that ever-present ache in the center of my chest, where my heart is. It hasn’t gone away since the day she passed, and I am not sure that it ever will. Honestly, I don’t know that I will ever be the same person again, for I have not completely felt like myself since her passing. I feel as though a piece of me has shattered and blown to the winds forever, leaving behind an aching absence that nothing and no one seems able to fill.

And there is always, always a little bit of loneliness inside that hole, even when I am surrounded by the ones who love me.

My Grandmama was one of the most important people in my life. She played an intrinsic role in raising me, and her love for me saved me more times than I can count. Her faith in me, as well as her encouragement and support, helped get me through some insanely rough transition and growth periods in my life, and more often than not, she was there for me when no one else was. When I went through periods of intense anger and sadness, dealing with some traumatic things that had happened to me over the years, she stood by me and supported me, even as almost everyone else I knew stepped back and away from me, unable to handle the anger in my soul. Even as I struggled and made poor life and relationship choices, she encouraged and loved me, never saying a single negative thing about me or to me, or the things I was doing, even if the choices were bad ones. I realized later that it was because she trusted me to do the right thing in the end, and she was giving me the room and space to really stretch my wings, and take flight.

She was my best friend. The twinkle in my eye. My light in the dark. And one of the greatest loves of my life.

I miss her every single day. And I know that I always will.

I know that grief takes time, and that everyone is different. I know that at some point in time, I will have worked through the worst of the pain, and that I will come to accept the hole in my heart left behind with her passing. I do believe that I can and will find my happiness again, even after a heartbreak of this magnitude. But that day is not today, and I have come to the realization that that is quite ok. I will get there when I get there, I just need to give time time, and have patience and love for myself as I work through and feel the process.

I am slowly but surely returning to the things I love, the things that bring me peace and joy. It has taken me awhile, but I know that there was no way I could do so until I was well and truly ready. I have begun reading again, studying yoga and the Hindu texts I have become so fond of, as well as my “play” reading. I have begun practicing yoga again as well, although not quite as regularly as I would like. Still, progress is progress, and I will take what I can get in this moment. I have reconnected with music, and I have to say….music truly saves the soul, as well as helping to express the thoughts and emotions that all too often get buried within one’s soul. I have found my best friend, and my one true love during this difficult period of my life, and have reconnected with my children on a deeper level, and I am once again enjoying the company and laughter of my few close friends. Their love and support for me during this painful part of my life has been the only thing that is really helping to get me through, and their encouragement is what motivates me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Without them, and my two beautiful girls, I very well might have drowned completely in my sorrow.

I cannot promise how often I will write at this point, as some days are definitely more difficult than others. And I have decided to put the daily devotional posts by Judith Hanson Lasater off for awhile. I do not always feel like posting anything, even something as simple as those devotionals, and so I will not put any unnecessary pressure on myself. I trust that my readers will understand, and continue to support me as I work through the grief process. 

I have to say, however, the most important thing I have learned through this whole journey is the preciousness and value of life. It truly is far too short and beautiful to waste. One should never leave anything left unsaid or done, nor any chance left untaken. Love should always be expressed and given, and those beautiful souls who come into your life should be treasured and enjoyed for as long as they are there. Laughter is good for the soul, and a life lived in fear or anger is a life wasted indeed. Enjoy every single moment of this one rare and precious life, for even during hard times, there is still beauty to be found for those brave enough to open their eyes and truly look. Life is a journey, a gift, and should be treated as such until you draw your very last breath here on this Earth.

Much love and blessings to you all, and I hope you are faring well on your own journeys. Namaste. Xoxox

Empathic. It’s A Blessing, Right?

Empathic_Passion_by_sattvamanasa

 

I am what you would call an empath.

The dictionary defines the term empath in three different ways:

The first: An empath is a person who is gifted in sensing other people’s emotions, and is allowed to feel others’ pain to help them cope and heal without too much emotional scarring.

The second: A person who is capable of feeling the emotions of others despite the fact that they, themselves, are not going through the same situation.

The third: An empath is a person with a preternatural ability to understand or perceive the emotional state of another individual.

As someone who has had empathic abilities my entire life, I can attest that everything defined above is absolutely true. And sometimes, it’s the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

What is difficult and complicated for me is that I have different impressions and emotions for everyone. Obviously, this “gift” is more intense and in your face when it’s someone you truly care about and have a soul connection with, but I can also pick up impressions from people that I’m only around for a few short minutes. I also can pick up on others’ thoughts at times, and I have had instances where the sensation was so strong, I actually confused it with my own thoughts for a moment. When that happens, I have to take a few minutes and sit in stillness, and really work to separate myself from that thought, and in doing so, am able to determine if the thought is mine or not. Ninety percent of the time, it’s not.

There are times, however, where this is insanely difficult.

Being empathic, however, is a much more complicated state of affairs. I am constantly feeling the people I love at all times, and when they are suffering, or dealing with some very heavy emotional issues, it’s enough to drive me borderline crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful to be so in tune with my loves, but when they do not want my help, or disattach themselves, feeling their emotions and pain can be excruciating. There is nothing worse than to feel a loved ones pain, and not be able to do a thing to ease it, or take it away.

And therein lies the crux of the whole ability. Being empathic is a gift, and yet at times, it feels more like a curse.

I know that there are ways to shield one’s self from the feelings and impressions of others, but I have yet to master that one. And believe me, I have tried and tried and tried. It’s easier to block and shield from random people, people that I have no real connection or attachment to, but when it comes to those I love? That becomes sticky all the way around. And in most instances, I can not disattach myself at all.

In the cases of those who refuse my help and disattach, even in moments of intense pain or grief, I have tried to send love and healing vibrations to them via our connection. Sometimes, I can feel in my heart that it helps. But that is only if the other person has not completely separated themselves from me, and the shared connection. If they withdraw all the way….it’s hard for me to connect with them, for I encounter nothing but resistance. I feel in my heart that I could push through that blockage if I tried, for the bonds run deep and true, and I know that person loves me, but I somehow feel that that’s intrusive, even if I mean well. I believe in doing what you will, being that it harms none, and intruding on someone when they have walls up, for whatever reason they have decided to erect those walls, is not ok, even when the intention is full of love.

Does this make sense?

Sometimes loving people means stepping back, and letting them do what they will, even if it’s self-destructive. I have never been very good at the tough love thing, however. When I love, I love with everything that I am, and to stand by and watch my loved ones suffer alone….it’s awful. Absolutely, utterly awful.

One thing my Grandmama is helping me with at the moment is to really listen and follow my heart at all times, even if it angers others in the process. She believes in reaching out to those difficult loved ones who are resistant to healing, even while deep inside they secretly crave it, and she has been telling me not to be afraid to take that extra step and extend my love, even if the other person refuses it. She feels it’s better to try, and be rebuffed, than to not try at all, and so I am listening and absorbing her wisdom, and applying it to my own life.

It’s strange. Since my Grandmama passed, I feel that my empathic abilities have become stronger, and a little more fine-tuned. I am able to separate the feelings and impressions I get much quicker and easier, and I am able to connect those feelings with the person they really belong to almost immediately. It makes it much easier to help those around me who need it, that’s for sure, but the intensity of those feelings lately has been a little on the unnerving side. I wonder if my Grandmama has passed on some of her abilities as well, as I know that she was a natural empath, too. It was one of the things I always loved about her – the ability for her to sense what others were thinking and feeling, and then act accordingly. She was always saying and doing the perfect things to set her loved ones souls at ease, and there were times where I found myself thinking that she was an angel here on Earth. I looked up to her my whole life, and still do, even after death.

I truly do love my gift, and I know that I am incredibly blessed to have it. I have had moments, flashes of it throughout my whole life, but it wasn’t until the past couple of years that the gift really began to manifest, where it was noticeable almost all of the time. When it first surfaced, it was overwhelming and chaotic, as it confused the hell out of me, but I am beginning to accept and work with it more and more. It’s just like anything else, with patience and practice, it becomes easier to use and control. And as silly as it may sound, attitude is everything – as long as I keep a positive mind-set with this gift, even when it’s frustrating or overwhelming me, it tends to work itself out quickly and relatively painlessly. If I have a negative attitude, or I fight what the gift is trying to tell me….well, let’s just say it’s anything but pleasant then. As I learn to open myself up, and accept this ability more and more, it becomes easier to deal with, and I see the truly beautiful, powerful side of it all.

So, do I really believe being an empath is a blessing? Yes, I do. Even as painful as the gift can be, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am blessed to feel and connect with those around me, to share in their joys and sorrows, to know their hearts and thoughts, and to be able to offer the comfort and healing they need when they need it. It is doubly more precious to me, as I know that it was a gift my Grandmama passed on to me.

It is a gift that I will not abuse; a gift that I will honor and treasure forever.

Conversations Of The Soul

Consequences_by_nairafee

 

I have felt my Grandmama’s presence around me very strongly these past couple of days.

I know in my heart that that is why I feel so much peace in the middle of this storm of grief. And the gratitude I feel towards her in this moment knows no bounds. Even in the afterlife, she is still just as pure and loving and compassionate as she ever was in the physical world. She is the most beautiful, precious soul I have ever known, and her unending love for me is beginning to heal my heart.

This is not the first time I have felt her with me since she passed nearly six weeks ago. The first few days after her physical death, I felt her around me all the time; her soul wrapped around me like a warm, comforting blanket, and she would speak to me in moments of absolute stillness. At first, it was words, silent conversations inside my own mind, for as she is now in spirit form, words spoken aloud really are not necessary. Now, however, our soul conversations have progressed even further – it is more of a feeling, an impression, rather than words as you and I know them. She is constantly speaking to me, and I find myself listening to her with an open mind and heart, absorbing all that she is telling and teaching me.

There was a stretch here a couple of weeks ago, where I did not feel her at all. I remember clearly the agony of that, as though I had been abandoned all over again. I found myself wondering why she was gone, even in spirit, after she had already left this physical plane, and it did nothing to help the anger and pain building up inside me. I even remember asking her where she went, and why she left me again. It was the most empty, aching, lonely feeling in the world….

I realize now why I did not feel her those couple of weeks. She had not gone anywhere, like I thought. I was just so immersed in my anger and anguish, that I could not feel her. I understand that everything I was feeling is the natural cycle of grief, and that I needed to take some of that time to truly feel what I was feeling, but none of that was worth sabotaging the connection we still have. Having her spirit around me brings me more comfort and peace than the anger and sorrow I was battling on my own, and that alone is enough to spur me on towards healing. I do not ever want to lose sight of that bond again, nor do I want to go another day without our silent soul conversations. She is teaching me a depth of love and compassion and wisdom that I never dreamed of, and I want to remain open to absorb it all.

In fact, one of our conversations only yesterday comprised of exactly that – love. And happiness. She told me with emotions and impressions that she loves me more than anything, and simply wants me to be happy. To be free of pain, and truly live this life that I was given. She knows and understands how much I miss her, as she does me, and she has assured me that that is ok, to miss and love and even to still cry for her. But she has made it clear that the anger and darker side of my sorrow must go, for she does not wish that kind of pain for me. I am on the journey towards an incredible life, surrounded by beautiful people who love me, and she does not want me to waste a single second on anything that isn’t good for me.

The one beautiful thing about my Grandmama no longer being here in the physical world is that now she sees every aspect of my life from the spirit world. I don’t even have to tell her about the goings on of my life anymore, as she already knows everything. It really is incredible, when one can get past the painful part of the loss. She is around all the time, watches and hears everything, and offers me her advice and opinions all the time, almost like she did when she was still alive. It’s truly overwhelming.

I have, and always will, love my Grandmama with my entire being. She cared for me, watched over me, and loved me with her whole heart, and I know that it was her love and compassion for me that saved me. I am who I am today because of her, and I will forever be grateful for the time I had with her, and the unbreakable bond that we shared. Physical death has not severed that tie – if anything, it has only served to strengthen and deepen it, and I will treasure that connection for the rest of my life. I will honor her request to live and love and enjoy this lifetime, and I will learn from her wisdom and grace, so that I may be a beacon of light to all those that love and depend on me, just as she was for me.

I know that I will still have days where I miss her, days where I may feel a little sadness and even shed a few tears. But I know in my heart that the darkest part of the storm is passing, and the sunlight is peeking through. A new calm is coming over me, one that I know to be permanent, and I am grateful for the lessons and wisdom and inner strength that I am gaining from this experience.

I was truly blessed to have the love of this beautiful soul. I will not forget that ever again.

Quote of The Moment

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This quote is really speaking to me at this moment…and even though I can feel the truth of it, I am struggling to actually see it. This pain that I’m feeling is so overwhelming, so all encompassing, that right now I just cannot see myself out of it. 

I believe that the Universe never hands us anything that we cannot deal with it, and I do believe that everything serves to help us grow and change, and become our true Selves…but there are times, when the pain rears it’s ugly head, that I wonder what purpose it serves in my life. What am I supposed to be learning? What is this pain trying to teach me? And why in the hell does it have to hurt so much to grow?

I just want some peace. And I want to feel strong again.

Avoiding My Yoga Practice

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I miss my yoga practice with my whole heart.

The past several weeks, with all the pain that I have been going through, I have turned from one of the few things that comforts and strengthens me through just about anything. How often do we as a whole do just that – turn from the things that bring us peace and happiness when life turns into chaos all around us? Doing the things we love to do help to center and ground us in a too often hectic world, and yet so few of us do what we know we should when we should.

I am just as guilty as the next at that.

This situation with my grief, however, is a little different from the norm. Yoga is an intensely spiritual and personal journey, and I find that when I am dealing with something heavy in my life, yoga tends to bring those challenges and issues to the surface. As bringing deep-seated pain and traumas up and out of the body is essential to healing, I understand that the process of yoga is vital in letting go, particularly of emotional pain. And yet, the pain I feel runs so deep, and is so destructive in its intensity, that I have purposely shied away from my practice, in order to keep some of the grief at bay. Another form of running, if you will, which is actually how I started the initial grieving process. I buried it, I ignored it, and I ran from it, until it chased me down and forced me to finally really look it square in the face.

As I am now full bore into the process, I really cannot afford to bury it or hide from it again. Truthfully, as intense as this pain is, I don’t think it will allow me to run again. My only options are to deal with it in a healthy manner, or lose myself to self-destruction.

Part of my fear and hesitancy with beginning a regular yoga practice again is this…most practices that I am drawn to are water based. Smooth, flowy, gentle….emotional. It is not abnormal for me to break down and cry during a practice when I am dealing with emotional issues and growth, and in most instances, I feel better afterwards. Almost an emotional cleansing or purging, if you will.

But right now, the thought of healing through my practice scares me. This pain is already boiling at the surface, and more overwhelming than I ever thought any pain could be. I don’t know if I want to bring it up any more than it already is at the moment. I don’t know if I could handle that just yet. I’ve already hit that near to breaking point this past week, that point where you feel like you’re teetering at the edge of a cliff, ready to tip over it at any given moment….and I feel as though I just barely escaped that unscathed.

Maybe that’s what scares me. What if my practice brings that grief so strongly again, that I really do topple off of that cliff?

I wish I could just give in to my practice, for it definitely calls to my heart, my soul. But I just don’t know if I am truly ready yet.

Maybe I’m just a bigger coward than I thought.

Finally. Some Breathing Room.

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I woke up today with a measure of peace and lightness in my heart.

Finally. Some much needed breathing room from the onslaught of sorrow.

I am in no way wearing rose-colored glasses on this one, however. I am very well aware of just how deep and hard this grief runs, and I know that the storm is far from over. However, I am grateful for whatever momentary pause the Universe hands to me. And I intend to make the most of this time while I have it.

I am still not up to socializing much, other than the select few that I cannot live without at this moment. There is a part of me that feels bad for withdrawing from most of my friends and family, but I know in my heart that they understand the struggle I am going through, and they do not expect anything other than what I can give right now. That means the world to me, to have so many people that love me and feel nothing but the utmost compassion for me. This past year or so has blessed me with many wonderful and beautiful new people, and they have added a depthness and richness to my life that I never thought was possible. It is because of these amazing individuals, plus my family, that keep me moving forward every single day, even when I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about everything.

I do still carry some heaviness in my heart right now, even with the pause, but it is tempered by a feeling of contentment. Thank the Universe, for there were many times over the past few weeks where I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I can use this break to rest and recharge, so that when the pain hits again, I am a little stronger than I was before.

It feels so refreshing to breathe a little again. I am more grateful than I can ever express.

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